The End of Chasing Happiness
When I quit my job at the beginning of this year to focus on my own businesses and on my personal development, I knew that things would change quite drastically in my life. What I didn’t expect was that this would be the year in which I discover one of the most profound distinctions of my personal development journey of over 15 years.
Let me back up a bit and explain something that I’ve been running into over and over with in my own life and with my coaching clients. Whenever the topic of goals or the Law of Attraction would come up, I would ask people what is it that they want in life. We would talk about goals and desires and inevitably the conversation would go something along these lines:
Me: “So what is it that you’re trying to manifest in your life?”
Them: “Oh, I want a new car.”
Me: “What kind of car?”
Them: “Oh, a 2009 Lexus, red in color, leather seats, fully loaded.”
Me: “And why do you want that specific car?”
Them: “Well, because I’ve been dreaming of owing a Lexus for ten years and I really want one.”
Me: “And why do you want a Lexus?”
Them: “Well, because I’ve always wanted a Lexus since I can remember.”
Me: “And why did you want a Lexus in the first place?”
Them: “Well, because I want a nice car like that, it would make me happy.”
Me: “So if you were able to manifest having a 2009 Lexus you would be happy?”
Them: “Oh yeah, I’d be very happy with that.”
Now, this same conversation would play itself out with many people with totally different things. If they were able to get a new job, they would be happy. If they were able to manifest the new home they wanted, they would be happy. If they were able to get a raise at work, they would be happy, etc.
What I discovered through a lot of work on myself and by working with others is that everyone has this “End Goal” of being happy. Every goal they set, every intention they have, everything that they try to manifest in their life is all rooted in the desire to be happy.
So you may be asking yourself “Well, what’s wrong with that? Of course everyone wants to be happy!”
Well, here’s the thing. Why are we all chasing happiness? And more importantly, is that really what we want, or is that just a fantasy we’ve been sold?
Everyone says they want to be happy, and they set goals and targets to achieve different things in order to be happy, but what happens then? They become miserable again.
How many times in your life have you set a goal, and said to yourself that if you reach that goal you’ll be happy? Maybe you wanted to attract your soul mate or to have sex with someone you infatuated with. Maybe you wanted to buy a house that you were totally excited about. Maybe it was a car, or maybe it was a job you wanted to desperately get. Think back to all the different things you wanted in life.
What happened after you got what you wanted? Did you experience “Happily Ever After” from that point forward? Or did you just create a new desire for yourself and labeled the attainment of that desire as “reaching happiness”?
If happiness is what we all really want, then why would ANYONE ever want to go see a sad movie? If security and the freedom from fear is what we truly want, why would ANYONE ever go on a roller coaster? If having a worry-free life is what we really wanted, why would ANYONE ever have children?
The truth is that we don’t really want happiness.
I know, that’s a bold statement, especially coming from an optimist like myself, but it’s true. We chase happiness because we think we’re supposed to because our society and the media paint these fantasies for us to try to live up to, but the reality of life is that we will experience happiness and sadness, love and fear, acceptance and resentment, understanding and confusion, and all the “positive” and “negative” emotions of life equally. Life simply “is”. It isn’t positive or negative, it is only our perceptions that color life as one of those colors, and the Universe is always working to help us bring our perceptions into balance.
The source of our misery is the perception that life is only supposed to be “happy”.
Those that embrace the full spectrum of life, develop a more mature state of being called Unconditional Love or Gratitude. Not just for the positive things in life, but for everything.
I’m not saying that the desire for things is bad. That would be hiding from life. What I’m saying is that IF the ONLY thing we want from life is to chase the positive sides of everything, then we will always be disappointed because everything has advantages and drawbacks to it – and that chase is the source of our misery.
Consider the Lexus example above. Use your common sense. Do you really think that if the person ends up getting a 2009 Lexus that there will only be positive sides to that car?
What about when they takes it into the dealer for maintenance and find out that the maintenance on the car is 5x as much as on they’re used to paying on their old Honda?
What about when they park the brand new car in a parking lot and someone dings the door?
What about when a few years down the road a new Lexus comes out and has some features that the current car doesn’t have?
What about the increased car payments they now have to make? Or the increase in insurance premiums?
I’m not trying to be negative. What I’m describing are some possible drawbacks of owning that Lexus. Those drawbacks will be there, whether you like it or not. If you can come to terms with the fact that this Lexus will make you just as happy as it makes you unhappy, then you will stop chasing “Happiness” as the end game with everything.
You end up getting the Lexus because you want a Lexus, not because you think it will make you happy. Big difference there.
Realize that happiness is not the end game. If there is any end game in life it’s simply to come to a state of Unconditional Love and Gratitude for all that you experience, and even that is something that is transient because our unbalanced perceptions always end up pulling us out of that state.
I realize that most of the fantasies that the media try to sell us on try to paint a picture of happiness. You watch a beer commercial and you are sold the fantasy that if you drink that brand of beer, you will be surrounded by beautiful people in bikini’s and that you will experience endless fun. You watch a commercial for kitchen appliances and you are shown a fantasized picture of a perfect kitchen without a spec of dust on the countertops, a fruit bowl full of perfectly ripe fruit and everything in the kitchen is sparkling clean.
Give me a fricken break, when is the last time ANYONE’S kitchen looked like that? When’s the last time you cracked open a beer and instantly beautiful people started to surround you?
If you weren’t surround by beautiful people before cracking open that beer, you still won’t be when you do. If you kitchen looks like a mess before you purchase new appliances, it will still be a mess even after you buy them.
The problem with chasing fantasies is that even if you get your fantasy, there’s always a better one around the corner. I mean, compared to what an average lifestyle looked like 300 years ago, we are all living in a fantasy. Compared to how cra
ppy it must have been to ride in a horse-drawn carriage smelling the horses crap half the time, even a cheap-ass Honda is pretty damn good, right?
Time For A New Question
Let’s pause for a second to ask ourselves a new question.
Pretend for a minute that your life will never be any happier than it is right now. This is as good as it gets. You may experience different things in life, but they won’t make you any happier than you are right now. Sometimes you may feel a bit happier, and other times you’ll feel sadder, but really none of that has anything to do with what you desire or manifest in your life.
If that is the case, and “Happiness” is not the end game of life anymore, and you gave yourself permission to stop chasing happiness, what would you want from your life?
What would you truly want, and why would you want it?
I know this is a tough thing to try to answer, as chasing happiness is so ingrained into our way of thinking and living especially here in North America, but if you take a moment to really think about it you may discover that what you truly want doesn’t have anything to do with getting more “happiness” into your life. In fact, what you truly want may even create states of stress, sadness, fear, difficulty, insecurity and discomfort just as much as it creates the state we call happiness. Maybe that’s why you’ve been afraid to go after it, because you’ve been sold on this bullshit fantasy that life is all about feeling happy all the time.
What do you truly want, and why do you want it?
Ask yourself that question.
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Paul Piotrowski is a highly ambitious and passionate self-improvement fanatic who has spent over 13 years relentlessly pursuing and studying personal development wisdom in almost every area of life. His highly intuitive drive to seek wisdom and truth in life has led him through very diverse areas of experience ranging from entrepreneurship and business, natural [...]
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Hi Paul,
This is a very wise perspective. Happiness is sometimes a red herring. We are either happy or we are not, and there’s no point ‘chasing’ it as you say. By the way it’s not just in North America that this happens. In Asia too.
Your suggestion to accept that this life we have now is the happiest we’re ever going to get is great. That acceptance of what we have, who we are, is the first step to HAVING happiness, not chasing it. Stumbled!
You’ve gone off the deep end.
“If security and the freedom from fear is what we truly want, why would ANYONE ever go on a roller coaster?”
Because people do it to get the adrenalin rush. No one can have freedom from fear. Fear always exist. You just must have the courage to overcome fear. But the fear is still there…
Scientific studies prove that humans seek things that make them happy, and avoid things that give them pain. Your own personal belief doesn’t disprove the double-blind studies…
“This is as good as it gets. You may experience different things in life, but they won’t make you any happier than you are right now. Sometimes you may feel a bit happier, and other times you’ll feel sadder, but really none of that has anything to do with what you desire or manifest in your life.”
Uh-huh, explain that to someone who’s living in the slums and has been physically abused in his childhood years, and is chronically depressed (just as an example)… If you tell him that his “happiness level” will always be the same, I’m sure he’ll dive off the tallest building he knows…
I hate all the new ages gurus who say this stuff. The fact is: no one can be happy from the inside, no one can be happy 24×7 for the rest of his/her life (unless you’re a robot), and seeking happiness is a part of being human. The person who wants the Lexus wants it because it’ll raise his social status, which in the end will make him happy. Would he buy the Lexus if other people thought Lexus cars were not cool (read: garbage). No.
Hey Paul,
Wow the comments are as interesting as the post! It could be semantics. Or it could be the fact that when you stop looking for happiness, happiness finds you. It’s that butterfly analogy that someone used (I forget who) – that as long as you’re frantically chasing it, it flutters away. Once you stop and be still, it might gently alight on you. I’ve often found that my happiest moments descend upon me when I’m busy doing something else, and not even thinking about being happy! Maybe we all experience happiness differently.
I just found your site and the discussion on happiness fascinating. I’m surprised. Most people who subscribe to Law of Attraction study Abraham-Hicks. A student of Abraham would remind us of the quote “There is no way to happiness…happiness IS the way.” Many believe that Happiness/Source Energy/Unconditional Love is our original, unadulterated, true state of being. We are meant to be happy.
In this existence, we must make the conscious choice to be happy on a daily basis. We manage our happiness by mastering our emotions. We use our feelings & emotions as guide posts to know whether we are connected or disconnected to Unconditional Love-that state of being completely happy no matter what.
Regardless of how angry, frustrated or fearful we are, and regardless of the circumstances, we can choose to find the next positive feeling on the emotional scale to make our way back to Unconditional Love. It’s work, but emotional intelligence can be taught. With practice people can master being happy on a daily basis–no matter what.
What do we truly want–to be happy. Period. Stuff and other people can’t make us happy. We can only make ourselves happy. Happiness is a choice.
I guess I just want to grow.
Great Post. Thanks!
@Daphne: The only thing about the metaphor of not pursuing happiness in order for it to find you, is that you’re still trying to chase happiness – by not pursuing it. I have always found things like that paradoxical and confusing in the real world.
It’s not about finding some “trick” to happiness by not chasing it. It’s about really stopping the chase after happiness because we realize the completely obvious fact that we will never ALWAYS be happy, no matter what we do. I would also argue that whether you chase happiness or not, you have it in your life to the exact same degree anyways. It’s all just about your perceptions.
One person will find out their wife is pregnant, and they will be incredibly happy, while another person will be devastated. It all just depends on the circumstances and values of the person who is experiencing the event. The pregnancy is neither good news nor bad news…it’s both, just depending on the person hearing about it.
Most of us are pretty loose when it comes to defining happiness, but I think for most people the concept of happiness actually encompasses what are generally labeled negative as well as positive feelings. Happiness doesn’t necessarily mean feeling blissful 24 hours a day. It typically means an overall sense of satisfaction with life. For most of us, being happy allows for sometimes feeling sad or lonely or frustrated or angry. To say having something would make you happy usually just means it would give you pleasure to have it; but it doesn’t mean you expect to experience ONLY pleasure from having it. I think this is more an issue of semantics than substance. The real issue is, does having things make you satisfied with life, and I’d say generally it doesn’t. For a few moments maybe, but not for long.
“The problem with chasing fantasies is that even if you get your fantasy, there’s always a better one around the corner.”
^ Ouch.
Do you think this applies in relationships, too?
(I liked this post; it’s good to know that I’m not the only one who thinks about being “happier” all the time. The chase really is neverending…)
@Ian: You are right. However, if we aren’t clear on the difference you’re describing (which 99% aren’t) we end up getting caught in the fantasy of chasing that happiness. Hollywood movies end with “Lived happily ever after.” for the most part and we chase that.
There is no “Happily Ever After”. Then, when someone is not feeling as “happy” as they normally do for a few weeks because their dog died or they lost their job, they run to the doctor and get on “Anti-Depressants” because they think that we’re ALWAYS supposed to be happy.
I’ll be exploring a lot more of this topic on my Blog.
@Amanda: Absolutely! Most people aren’t even in a relationship with their “mate”. They’re in a relationship with the FANTASY of their perfect mate. It’s the root cause of most problems in relationships – not accepting the person for who they are, because they don’t live up to the Fantasy version you imagined in your head and infatuated with in your head in when you first met them.
They didn’t change. They’ve been the same person all along. They’re just not the person we fantasized them to be, that’s all. Happens all the time.
dude!! the same realization had dawned upon me a couple of days back. we have all been distracted by media, politicians, self-help gurus and other crazy pple. i was just looking up the internet to see if there was anyone else with feelings like mine n i bumped into ur page. makes absolute sense. animals do this n so they stay in gr8 shape its only we humans who have to go see a shrink, take tablets n u name it…to make sense of life.
Yes paul u r right. many times i’ve caught myself relapsing to the old track of mind but with some conscious effort i wriggle out of it. But, the fact that i now have an option is very refreshing. Though employed with a company I’m also on the path of personal growth. have read ur other posts n i liked ur thoughts.
@Unknown: I know many people who don’t live in the slums, that weren’t abused and they’re chronically depressed too. By anyone else’s standards, they have everything in life that *should* make them happy, yet they are depressed.
I’m not saying people don’t chase happiness. I don’t need a scientific study to show me that, it’s obvious. You say “no one can be happy 24×7″, which is exactly what I’m saying. You’re admitting the main point of my article, that we can’t always be happy, so why spend our lives TRYING to be happy 24×7? Why not accept the fact that sometimes we will be happy, and other times we won’t, and ask ourselves some deeper questions which may point us towards finding real fulfillment that’s not dependent on something as transient as our level of happiness.
@Daphne: I prefer to label the state of being that you get into when you stop chasing happiness as “Fulfillment”, “Gratitude” or “Unconditional Love”. It’s all just semantics, but I find it confusing when people say that in order to find happiness you must stop chasing happiness. I prefer to look at it as to find fulfillment or gratitude, you must stop chasing only happiness.
@Lisa: I would argue that “Unconditional Love” and “Happiness” are two COMPLETELY different things.
For example, when you “Unconditionally Love” a movie, it means you love the parts of it that make you laugh and the parts that make you cry, not just the parts that make you “Happy”. When you “Unconditionally Love” your kids, it means you love them just as much when they do exactly as they are told and behave according to your standards, as when they “act up” and do silly things that make you worry or even cry. If you’re addicted to “Happiness”, whenever your child does something that doesn’t make you happy, you end up believing that something went wrong, but that’s not the case. Raising a child is just as much about happiness as it is about sadness, anxiety, worry etc. Children are here to help us grow, not to make us happy 100% of the time.
When you feel angry, frustrated or fearful, why not ask yourself what these emotions are trying to tell you or teach you instead of trying to instantly “convert” them into “happiness”?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got every Esther-Hicks book on Law of Attraction on my bookshelf and I’ve read them all. I understand what she’s trying to teach. I just don’t believe in it anymore. I’ve manifested a crapload of stuff in my life and it didn’t require me to be “happy” all the time. In fact, sometimes I’ve manifested the biggest things in my life out of sheer energy of frustration. I didn’t need to be “happy” all the time to manifest what I wanted, and even the things that I manifested didn’t make me “happy” all the time. I just don’t think it’s a requirement.
Unconditional Love and Gratitude, in my opinion are totally different though. You can be angry and grateful for that anger at the same time because it makes you stronger and more focused. You can be feeling sad, while watching a sad movie and be grateful for the experience.
All I’m saying is that chasing Happiness is pointless. It really does nothing more than just frustrates us and makes us feel like something went wrong when we’re not “Happy” 24 hours a day. Well, that and it helps to sell anti-depressants to all the people who think they’re supposed to be happy all the time.
@abhishek: Welcome to the club that no longer chases happiness. It’s very liberating. Although you may find that the addiction to happiness runs very deep, so it may take some time to fully shake it off.
Ironically, once you do, you’ll probably be much more happier in life.